Sometimes it feels like what you and I had was a different life. A different person. But then other times it feels like just yesterday. I am am happily committed, and you are… Well you’re at least committed. I don’t want to be with you. It’s just that sometimes, after a relationship ends, it’s hard to remember why it ended and not just all the happy times you had. I think that’s what’s happening now. I feel you slipping farther and farther away, and that’s good. But you know me, being the control freak I am, I am still trying to hold on for some reason. And there’s no one I can talk to about it, the only two people I trust with this sort of stuff are you and her. Well I can’t tell her because she wouldn’t understand. Plus what I’m having sounds a lot like doubt and I don’t want to give her pause to think I’m doubting us. And I can’t tell you because it would only confuse you more. You are working on letting go and I don’t want to jeopardize that. But lately I’ve been missing you more. Maybe it’s because our anniversary just passed and I’m thinking back to where we were 4 years ago around now. I don’t know. I just know that right now, even with the love of my life in my arms and a beautiful future ahead of me, I miss you.
All I want is to be left the fuck alone. Why do you always think you know what’s best for me? Why do you have to constantly tell me what to do. I’m sorry that in your opinion I’m not living my life correctly. I don’t pass judgement on your poor life choices do I? Just leave me the hell alone. It’s my life, let me make my mistakes. Why is it up to you to tell me, a grown fucking adult, what to do? I’m so over it all. Everyone keeps thinking they know me, that they know what I do. Don’t stay up so late, get out and exercise, be productive. Do you ever stop to think, I stay up late because I have insomnia, I don’t exercise because I’m so exhausted from not having a good night’s sleep in months, I’m not productive because I’m severely depressed? I can’t handle the scrutiny from everyone in my world. I just want to live my life. Why can’t I live my life? I don’t have a safe place to land anymore, with anyone or anywhere. I feel like a stranger in my own damn home. Everyone think’s I’m so strong, that I have it all together, and I don’t. Right now in my life, I feel like I don’t have anything together. I just want to find somewhere I fit in the world.
You don’t even fucking get it. You don’t. While you were busy being all over everyone in the room you barely even took the time to notice me. I got so jealous. And I know you’ll see this and I don’t care. I hate anyone who touches you. But when you get drunk I no longer exist. I tried to talk to you and you were all over someone else and literally looked away! What the hell! And you act like I’m the one who was doing something wrong. What the fuck ever, I don’t care. I’m sorry if my coming with him is an issue but retaliating with everyone else in the room is not the way to win me. All it does is push me farther away. I wanted to be near you, to feel your skin, but you were busy fulfilling some fantasy and not noticing me practically in tears. So fine, if you wanted to make me jealous or some crap, you did.
Wanna know what’s nice? A random 3 am talk with an old friend. It made me realize some things. Right now, at this stage in my life, I want to be alone. And I don’t just mean single. Like completely alone. I don’t want contact with basically anyone. I don’t want to have to listen to their problems. I don’t want to worry about their opinions. I don’t want to feel anything for them. I just want to be in the world without having to really be an active part of it. Maybe that’s bad, and I’m sure it won’t last because humans are a social race by nature, but right now it’s how I feel. I want to pack my bags, not give any notice, and jet set all over the world. Maybe then I’ll learn something about myself. Maybe I’ll figure out my purpose, figure out who I really am. I’ll go to Paris, London, Venice, Rome, Tokyo, Kyoto, Barcelona, Dublin, Madrid, Ibiza, Glasgow. Everywhere, anywhere. I’ll let the wind be my guide and not answer to anyone. That sounds pretty much perfect right now. I could be free.
I know this is going to sound bad but I have mad props for anyone who can hold down two relationships at a time. I’m not even officially dating both people but it feels like I am. The drama of both, keeping both happy.and dealing with the issues of each. It’s tiring. I really don’t know how they do it. And since both of mine know about each other it’s so hard. To juggle. Anyways, I don’t like players but I respect their game.
Jealousy is a pain in the ass. It makes you irrational, paranoid, and stupid. Every time I hear about some girl you like, or as of today some guy, I want t gouge their eyes out and claim you as my own. Only you aren’t my own yet. In fact I am someone else’s for the next 5 days. Whats wrong with me? This isn’t fair and most certainly isn’t right. So what? You gave some guy your number. You are falling for me. Right? No. You are. I know that. This is so nuts. How can you drive me this insane? I’ve got the whole is he cuter then me? Does she like him more then me? Will I really be enough for her? I am losing my mind
I’m jealous of a girl you met on tumblr, who you have never met in real life, and who is probably straight. And you think you have issues. I might be falling for you. How crazy is that. I can’t wait to kiss your beautiful face again.
Being attracted to the wrong guy at the wrong time. No fun. You are off limits, family of my soon to be ex boyfriend. You are 8 years older and have a 5 year old. But damn are you amazing. Attractive, funny, well adjusted, and I’m attracted to how good of a father you are too. It’s incredible hearing the way you talk about her, about how much you have learned. It’s just wonderful seeing you. I’ve liked you forever and we flirt and play, but we both know we can’t. This feeling is not fun.
To your face I say I’m scared. That I don’t know how to survive without you. That this is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But inside I’m not so sure that’s true. Maybe being single will motivate me to stay at my job? Maybe being away from you will make me be a happier person since I won’t have you bringing me down? I love you, don’t get me wrong. I’ve always loved you and know I always will. But god damn am I excited to be away from you. I don’t know if I’ll stay single during this. I don’t know if I won’t have sex. I tell you all that to make you feel better. Does that make me a bad person, probably. But I don’t care anymore. I dont want to go home but I had been able to support myself I probably would have left a long time ago. I don’t even know if we will get back together some day. And on some level I don’t think you think we will either. What does this all mean? An I moving on, falling out of love? I won’t know until I’ve lived without you for a while. I’m ready to be a single 20 something in the world and see what it has to offer. I’m going to put my all Ito school, work, and making myself feel pretty again. I will lose those 40 pounds, I will make some real friends, I will take the time to better my life and my surroundings, and I will emerge from this cocoon a beautiful butterfly. Just so happens this cocoon involves partying, sex, and being a bachelorette. For the first time in my life I know how strong I can be. Let’s hope it sticks.